The Grotto of Torture: asstastic.org

Ongoing Sagas
Sarcastic Mattbot's Super Sarcastic Website 5000
The Friday 5:01 Song
The Job Blog, R.I.P.
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Content Modules & Resource Centers
Rush Week 2002
asstastic.org Turns 1!
     - Press Release
     - Top 5 Sarcastic Wieners, Year 1
The Unofficial Kitchen Experts Website
mattbot 5000's "tape" list
Content Webring Resource Center
Wing Challenge 2002 Resource Center

Other Stuff
Pictures
Writing: Music | &c.
Archives: July '02
Links

Electric mail

The All NEW Content Webring
Proud member of the ALL NEW Content Webring!

Asstastic.org Leads Way to Content-Rich Future
August 29, 1:00 pm

From the Asstastic PR Office: This afternoon Google revealed that asstastic.org has the highest PageRank rating of any member of The Content Webring. The site earned three points out of a possible ten. Content partner oculon.org received two points, as did mytungsten.net. "We couldn't be happier to see our efforts pay off like this," remarked asstastic's founder and Chief Content Officer (CCO) Matt Raw. "We have a PageRank thermometer on the office wall with ten notches -- we hope to see it bursting at eleven six months from now!" ~fbroz remains unranked.


In Search of Life's Moist Underside, Mattbot Turns Over New Leaves
August 27, 7:00 pm

First off, let's get right to the content: Maggie and I stole her dad's new digital camera last Sunday and wheeled off to the Iowa countryside. There are a few pics, a couple of which I think are pretty OK, in the pictures section. Now, a word from our founder.

I'm 33, and it's time to think about moving out of the house. The coming weeks and months will (hopefully) see me take the GREs, begin to whittle my thesis into something publishable, and perhaps even earn a certificate that proves my computing skills. Why do I bother telling you this? Hell, I don't know, but it seemed like you needed to know about this before anyone else. We will all watch and see if the siren song of Content lures me back here sooner than later.


Asstastic's Back to School Content Smörg
August 25, 9:30 pm

Wondering where our coverage of Rush Week 2002 went? Why, friend, it grew large enough to deserve its own content module! Here's the new link, with all of last week's coverage, including a final report from our anonymous correspondent on the front lines. After you've gotten your fill of tanned, chiseled, soon-to-be-Greek teens, I recommend you check out our cat. And for those of you who partook of the City Slicker malt liquor in Dixie cups on Friday night, there's 40ozmaltliquor.com, a fantastic bit o' content from a guy who photographs and reviews every 40 he's tried (over 220 so far!). It's like a certain beer list I know, but with sexier results.


[blahg_style] Secretary 2.0
August 19, 9:15 pm

As most of blog about mystery chronicles murder among friends you probably know (I know how this sort of dog vitamin powder gossip spreads), today I was charged with the design and execution of a fall-themed bulletin board for our department. Presumably, our graduate students aren't fully prepared for things like colorful leaves and piles of pumpkins and rely on this bulletin board for up-to-date news on the changing equinoxes. At least that's what I told myself to make it seem as if the butt of today's joke was not the twenty-two year old guy dutifully stapling clip art leaves into cork. It didn't help that one of the professors walked by and laughingly observed, "Heh! bulletin board duty -- must be the low man on the totem pole!" Well...yeah?

Realizing how obnoxiously self-pitying my thinking was, I came to the quick conclusion that if they want to pay me to print out clip art and affix it with hundreds of staples to cork, I am happy to oblige. Plus, there are several rewarding aspects of this job. I've quickly developed an affinity for several office creatures, first and foremost the old typewriter in back. I might write something about that thing sometime, if I can withstand the likely backlash from certain gnerds (what's the opposite of "luddite?") who will no doubt joke about my use of "Typewriter XP." I also use the "Sign Here" labels at every chance.

I posted the third and final installment of pictures from Washington, DC. Homoerotics on Capitol Hill! Middle-fingerism! Steep angles!

Playing in the stereo the last few days: Mogwai / 4 Satin: stormy, ready-to-explode restraint + bonus guest vocals from Aiden Moffat! Bob Dylan / Blonde on Blonde: specifically "I Want You" and "Absolutely Sweet Marie." Pinback / Some Voices.


This is an update
August 18, 11:45 am

A bit of a redesign, obviously. Let me know if you like it with this annoying mailto: link. And if you're on a PC I'm interested in knowing if it's even legible since Windows tends to conflate darker shades and I have no way of knowing if this page looks like black-on-white on PCs or what.

There is content in the works, but it's so amazingly beautiful outside that I can't possibly justify sitting in front of this lousy computer another minute longer.


Take *that* Roxxy...More Content!
August 16, 8:20 pm

The staff of asstastic.org is proud to present a brand new content module, the fruit of minutes of labor: The Friday 5:01 Song. Those of you who worked near me on Fridays at the ITS No Help Desk a summer or two ago remember the concept (and the bass). If you're unfamiliar, get your downloader ready and prepare to r0ck.

Souces close to the The Content Webring have indicated that a huge addition to the roster could be in the works. Stay tuned to iversys.com for accurate and timely updates on this breaking story.

Due to server.com's recent assholish behavior (check out the recap here), the Fake Matador Bulletin Board link (as well as several others in the "Bulletin Boards" category) has changed on the links page. I'm only mentioning this here in the hopes that the next iteration of Google will pick up on the new link from the front page and elevate the FMBB's ranking in the index.


Webring Battle Royale!
August 12, 9:25 pm

After doing a little Googling, I came across Foxxy - the Elite Webring of Content and Design. As intellectual co-pater familias of the Content Webring, I feel it is my duty to defend our turf and assert our claim as the world's leading content provider. Well-wishers and members of the Content Webring can help. Search for "content webring" on Google and click on our link to boost our rating in the index. Foxxy - the Elite Webring of Content and Design, you have no chance to survive make your time!!!

Poll: Which content-based webring deserves the title "Universal Kings of Content?"


Saturday Slew of Updates
August 10, 12:25 pm

Asstastic is happy to present several updates for your weekend viewing pleasure. First of all, Jason Wolcott notched a fine sarcastic wiener recently. Second, rumors are swirling around the possibility of a Wing Challenge II event sometime in the near future. In anticipation of the onslaught of wing-related content seekers, I've fixed the broken images in the Wing Challenge 2002 Resource Center, so feel free to re-live the worst night of Robert & Mark's bowels' life. Also weigh in on the debate over whether to hold this controversial event a second time in the Ocu-Forum-sponsored Asstastic Forum 5000. The Content Webring has a new look -- be sure to turn up your speakers. And last, but certainly not least, there are new pictures in the appropriately-named Pictures section! 10 new mug shots from mattscott5000's semester in Washington, DC last spring as well as a new section that features desktop pictures on loan from Asstastic's Permanent Collection. Enjoy!


Sarcastic Wiener Rumor True!
August 3, 9:00 am

New sarcastic wiener belatedly recorded. The newly-wifed Tracy Scott gets the assist this time around.


August a New Month
August 3, 12:10 am

Not much to report, just wanted to clear out the cache, so to speak. Robert will notice that the Top 5 Sarcastic Wieners are now listed on the links at the left side of the screen, saving him the carpal stress of scrolling down the page. I'm still working on posting that sarcastic wiener, but my computer is so dreadfully old that I dare not open Microsoft Entourage and risk losing all these hard-earned millibytes of content. An internet photocopy of July's "news" is available here.

At the risk of appearing more self-indulgent than I already am, here's a lazy list of albums I've listened to while driving recently:
Superchunk / Indoor Living
Pinback / Blue Screen Life
Boards of Canada / Geogaddi (will I ever decide if I like this album?)