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December 23, 2 pm

We at asstastic are reluctant to risk falling off the wave of good feelings generated by the most recent installment of the Friday 5:01 Song, but popular outcry dictates that we bring you a Very Special Edition Friday 5:01 Song for Christmas Eve Eve. It is encoded at 192 kbps, so you know that quality is assured.

December 19, 10:30 pm

You thought it couldn't be done.

Mannheim Steamroller, but without the Christmas
December 18, 12 am

I assaulted a few of you on MSN Messenger with bits from a list of the 50 Most Loathsome Americans that I came across today while I was looking at my stories on the company's dime. Though I don't agree with all fifty, the list is funny as hell and pretty entertaining reading. During the season of incessant year end lists (look for one in this very space soon soon soon!) it's nice to see a Top (x) list with writing that doesn't just reek of flamebait. I think we can all agree that Cris Carter, Lee Greenwood, and Ann Coulter have earned their spots on that list.

Jesus, there was just lightning and thunder (it is December). Reminds me of the day the power went out... [PDF]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Klown Show has been put on hiatus for retooling
December 12, 8:30 am

Gawd, a little free association and everyone wonders what is "wrong" with Asstastic. One reader even asked what was wrong with my "blog." *sigh* Maybe is right about this whole content thing. While we at work through our existential doubts, you should check out some internal memos!

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 2002 09:46:19 +0100
To: mattbot, et al.
Subject: P & Q coffee

I would like to ask if the coffee at the end of the day could either be disposed of in the bathroom sink or the sink in the break room. It is currently being dumped into the toilets, left unflushed, and large splatters are always on the toilet seat. Thank you for helping with this matter.


Date: Wed, 11 Dec 2002 09:05:19 -0600
To: mattbot, et al.
Subject: Mice

The exterminator was here today and put glue traps in 361, 371, 370, 368, 364, 358, N304
If you see a mouse caught in any of these traps, you can take it out yourself (NOT), or call FSG at 5-5071 to have someone remove it.
Let me know if you still see mice around...


December 11, 11 pm

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Questions Typically Asked By Peers

• Is the disease contagious?
• Will ________________________ die from it?
• Will he/she lose any more limbs?
• Can ________________________ still play, visit me at home, drive, date, etc.?
• Should we talk about ________________________'s illness or should we ignore it?
• What will other kids think if I'm still friends with ________________________?
• What's wrong with ________________________?
• Will ________________________ be different (look funny, bleed, faint, cough, vomit) when he/she comes back?

Asstastic & Google Team Up to Bring You Humanitarian Bowl Content

PRESS RELEASE -- December 5, 2002, 10:30 am

Humanitarian Bowl blue turfGoogle announced today that it is teaming up with content leader to bring the world the very best in Humanitarian Bowl resources. As part of the contract, Google agreed to place this site 111th in the index for anyone searching for "humanitarian bowl." Google search: humanitarian bowl. To hold up our end of the bargain, Asstastic has agreed to endlessly pimp and its gargantuan supercomputing array that brings the internet to you with simple and fast text, image, directory, and newsgroup searches. it's #1 on the internet.

For other Humanitarian Bowl-related resources, feel free to check out the newest Ass-Poll on the right hand side of the screen as well as Asstastic's pictorial coverage of HB2K2, located here:

December 2, 10:55 pm

December already. Man.

November stats up for those that are curious. Asstastic mounted the 1000 pageview peak last month (not like that you sickos). And of course the usual number of Janie Porche stalkers, shirtless Dennis Franz lovers, Seneca Wallace pic-seekers, and those looking for "pictures of my ass" are on display again.

Sarcastic wieners sighted today! Not that you'd care about that, but you WOULD care about the first release of the sarcastic wiener stats for The Second Content Year. (Related coverage: Top 5 Wieners, Year One.) I'm sure I won't be the only one surprised to see who's at the top of the dung heap so far. Yours truly has earned a paltry one point this year, which is still good enough to beat the lowly Eric Chamberlin by half a point.

BCS catharsis at the Ocu-Forum.

November 30, 12:10 am

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