January 28, 11:45 am

At 11:30 pm January 27, 2003, webmaster mattbot 5000 gave birth to a beautiful bronze-gray baby boxen after a stressful though not overly complicated five hour labor. Dr. Iverson assisted during the birth and named the baby "GRAYBOX" after the color of its exoskeleton. The infant is in stable condition and currently resides on the desk of the webmaster. Outfitted in robust but sensible Windows 2000 garb, the infant was allowed no time in the cradle and was immediately put to work crunching RC5-72 keys.

Wowed by GRAYBOX Beautiful baby GRAYBOX

Let us do the browsing for you
January 25, 11:15 am

You entered your favorite search term into your favorite search engine, ended up at the internet's litter box. You're not the only one, execution pics lover. The following table will aid in getting you to your content in a timely manner. Search terms are listed in order of descending frequency.

You searched for:

But were really looking for this:

Asstastic sez:

execution pics

Star Wars Dioramas: Execution Arena

"The three felons had been convicted of espionage against the Sovereign System of Geonosis and their sentence of death is to be carried out in the public execution arena. "

ann curry pics presents Ann Curry Celebrity Photos

" said it best: 'Imagine getting a letter from Ann Curry to go with a candid picture like the photos below - it would be like you really know them!'"

iowa pictures

"Iowa: we don't meth around." [credit: SDI]

neko case pics

Kutie Magazine

"The pics are probably saltier than Mr. Bossman would prefer."

thermometer clip art


"Come on."

frank broz iowa


The Frank Broz Polar Bear Club

" is your internet gateway to Iowa City's funnyman, Frank Broz. Iowa."

"Dis n' dat" (for Kate)
January 22, 11 pm

War was hell. And, courtesy of hunky internet browser Iverson:

Have some more pretzels (fucker)

This and that II
January 19, 2:20 pm

I've decided to hop on the Front Side Bus and join the PC Revolution. But I request your help: check out the Ocu-Forum and give some suggestions or recommendations for My First PC™.

Faithful viewer Jason Prell informed me that the New York Times article linked on the right side does indeed require registration. Here's an excerpt from the article in question, regarding the final game in Philadelphia's Veterans Stadium [in progress, FOX]:

The Vet is a place of leaky pipes, unreliable heat and glacial elevators, a dank arena where a mouse-chasing cat once fell through the ceiling onto the desk of an assistant coach; where visiting players looked through a peephole into the dressing room of the Eagles' cheerleaders; and where the upper deck has gained a reputation as a hostile tier of taunting, public urination, fighting and general strangeness.

At a game in the early 1980's, a fan named Jeanette Miller sat in Section 730, removed her shoes and soon noticed that the guy in front of her was sucking her left big toe. She had friends a few sections over who attended games with a keg strategically hidden beneath a wheelchair.

This and that
January 16, 8 pm

There's a lot of ground to cover, so eyes forward. Heather Allen took a ball-peen hammer to the sarcastic wiener glass ceiling this morning; the ceiling is slightly cracked. More importantly, HAllen recorded the fourth ever sarcastic wiener by a female, joining the |337 ranks of Theresa Melvin, the sarcastic Joe's Place waitress, and my sister.

Ass-Stats have been updated to reflect December's activity. Big gainers in the search stats: ford econoline heater, fraternity house voyeurs, and teat torture.

In an attempt to make the right side of the site more dynamic, I've added a couple of featurettes. First is the Ass News at 9 section, where I employ the pompous concept of picking out articles I think you should read! Any New York Times article linked over there does not require registration, as I linked to the printer-friendly version of the article and apparently the Times ain't hip to that sort of h4X0r. Second is the links section, which should be pretty self explanatory. Again, I make your choices for you, so there should really be little objection.

Good day.

Gangs of New York
January 15, 1:10 pm gets it mostly wrong in thinking that director Martin Scorcese asks the audience to regard Daniel Day-Lewis's bigoted, violent, and extremely powerful character William Cutting as "a symbol of good old-fashioned American stick-to-itiveness. Because it doesn't matter what you stand for, as long as you stick to it." Well, not exactly. Cutting is much less an endorsement of American-style stick-to-itiveness than he is a portrait of the enormous power of, well, power in 1860s New York. He recognizes that there is much to be gained from becoming the most ruthless person in the largely immigrant Five Points district. And he's by no means the only character to recognize this; the movie is populated with characters seeking power, from the bosses of Tammany Hall down to Five Points' local constable. The dramatic (and gloriously bloody) conclusion of Gangs centers on the 1862 New York draft riots and it's there – not with Cutting's characterization – that Scorcese weaves together the concepts of "power" and "American" that run throughout the movie.

As shells rain down on the old mystery case files madame fate walkthrough Five Points district from Union ships stationed offshore and skin supplements for dogs bands of Union soldiers traverse the Five Points rounding up draftees, immigrant and nativist groups prepare to clash a final time for control of the district. As the background context of the New York during the Civil War comes crashing front and center in the final scenes, it's clear that these gangs of New York have no power when it comes to controlling the new America. The futility of the gangs' attempt to organize their racially-motivated confrontation amidst attack from Union soldiers symbolically underlines that those who define "America" are those in power. In 1862 New York, the definition comes ultimately from the government, in the form of Union soldiers. Gangs of New York succeeds in that it is does not simply tell the titular story and call it a movie, or even that it presents a main character as a symbol for a new America (as Salon would have us believe). The movie paints a larger picture explaining how these immigrant gangs related to an America defined not so much by the presence of its immigrants but by the power of those who could control those immigrants.

News roundup
January 12, 12:30 pm

Great article from the Washington Post on how exactly it is that a third-rate dictator got to be our number one priority, foreign or domestic: U.S. Decision on Iraq Has Puzzling Past.

After some of these meetings at the White House, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell, skeptical of military action without the necessary diplomatic groundwork, would return to his office on the seventh floor of the State Department, roll his eyes and say, "Jeez, what a fixation about Iraq," State Department officials said.

"I do believe certain people have grown theological about this," said another administration official who opposed focusing so intently on Iraq. "It's almost a religion -- that it will be the end of our society if we don't take action now."

Harsh words from MyTungsten.NET webmaster taint otherwise pristine content launch
January 9, 1:45 pm

Feeling threatened by the emergence of two beer-related content modules in as many days (related coverage:'s Beer Log = Blog launches to critical acclaim, confetti), MyTungsten.NET has begun a a rampage of bad feelings against Asstastic's Dial-A-Beer Service. Feeling that the best defense is a potent offense, MyTungsten called our fledgling beer service a "cute gesture" and implied that this webmaster has not had as many beers as he. All involved know that I drink to thrill and all I ask is that he pick a table so I can show him what "under it" looks like.

Safari says "fuck you" to Mozilla. Pretty interesting (if tantalizingly short) read about the newest browser that doesn't support tabbed browsing.

"I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger"
January 7, 10 pm

*taps on from stage right*

Ever find yourself wondering which beer to have next? Tired of visiting resource center after resource center researching your next pint? Well, friend, take a load off and visit Asstastic's Dial-A-Beer service. Our dedicated brew server will pick the perfect ale, lager, stout, or malternative for you, with a line or two of explanation. Go ahead, try it out!

There's also a new archives section for you history majors. Features a few highlights from each month and a hilarious screenshot that will leave you wondering how you ever remembered what happened in September without it.

Google has elevated asstastic's page rank to 4/10. This marks the fourth consecutive month that this site has led The Content Webring™ in this crucial measure of internet relevance. I'll be fiddling with the main page in the coming days, adding links to internet phenomena and generally making your internet experience more cluttered and annoying.

*taps off, stage left*