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Mousewatch 2002 Vindicated!
November 27, 9:15 am

Mouse captured!BIG NEWS: Lethargic mouse hanging around the P & Q main entrance this morning, prompting many screams. Eventually captured with the help of a broom handle and an old cottage cheese container and returned to the wild, where it is assumed he/she will die from exposure to the unusually cold fall weather.

Related coverage: Mousewatch 2002

Titular line
November 26, 4:10 pm

I've gathered the following bits of wisdom from my nearly four month tenure ($#@%!*%#@!) as a Secretary II. All will be available as crocheted pillows in the forthcoming Ass Store.

– Starting sentences with "after you're done with that" is not a way to make friends.
– It is appropriate to use campus mail to send documents to offices across the hall or even to people in the same department.
– When someone drops the three-hole punch and all the little punched circles spill out on the floor, it's called "having a party."
– Tilting the candy bucket at a 45-degree angle and tapping it on my desk does not make chocolate magically rise to the top.
– If your computer is out of commission, cleaning dried flakes of glue from the outside of your Glue Stic is an appropriate use of time and University money.

Not a whole lot to report lately. MyTungsten.NET has been re-admitted to The Content Webring™ and you can read about it here. No one has emphasized how close negotiations came to breaking off permanently over the so-called "turd clause." MyTungsten offered to accept all of the Webring's demands for readmission if he could "turd on our head" whenever he wished during his probationary period. We readily agreed, but he backed out at the last second for reasons unknown and a fistfight nearly broke out for reasons very known.

Have a nice Thanksgiving.

Beer + Music = K0ntent
November 21, 10:35 pm

SCORCHING HOT DEAL! Of age and underage Iowa Citians should head to John's Grocery to pick up a special Fuller's gift pack for you and your loved one. Included? 8 bottles of premium Fuller's (including the classic London Porter and ESB), two Fuller's coasters, a $10 mail-in rebate on future Fuller's purchases, and an imperial pint glass! All for the scorching hot price of $20 American. Admittedly (and this is how sad and predictable my shopping habits are), I really only thought about purchasing this for myself when I saw that an imperial pint glass was included. What's the difference between imperial and regular? I don't really know; imperial seems slightly bigger.

I can't keep up the vicious circle of accusations and denials for yet another Friday. I know I've been lax in posting a new song for Friday 5:01, but you guys have been annoying, too! At any rate, there's a new one up. What's more, this week's song is featured prominently on one of the finest movies ever made, giving it extra special meaning for yours truly (me). I know I say this every week, but it's especially true today: if you don't like it, please, let me know. Or, if you're really feeling 5:01, try this grizzly bear.

Content Caucus Scheduled for November 22
November 20, 10 pm

The content equivalent of all nine planets' alignment will occur this Friday, November 22, as webring pariah MyTungsten.NET will sit down at the long table at the back of Joe's Place with members of mystery case files ravenhearst walkthrough The pet authority digestive supplement Content Webring™ for an evening of negotiation and (hopefully) reconciliation. At stake is the re-inclusion of MyTungsten as a probiationary member of TCW. There have been rumors that not all of TCW is on the reformation bandwagon, while others have speculated that MyTungsten is playing off members of the Webring against one another in the hopes of pulling off a massive PR victory. All interested parties are invited to join us no later than 6 pm, though it must be stressed that the proceedings are likely to be excruciatingly n3rdy.

Whew
November 18, 11:20 pm

Last weekend took a huge chaw of Mattbot and spit it back into my rolling office chair on Monday morning. "Hey, I was just here," I said, to no avail.

Attention Prell: Stalking Janie Porche. I have yet to find a similar site for the Segway spokeswoman, but rest assured I'm working on it. Anyone who says her legs are fat is gay lame GAY.

Office memo for Friday
November 15, 1:20 pm

Apologies for the stagnant state of affairs around here lately. Morale around the Ass-Office has been low lately; critical failures of two content modules – The Illuminating MSN Conversation and, more recently, Mousewatch 2002 – coupled with web demands from private content sectors have brought our data-driving apps to a screeching halt the past week. The short-run prognosis is murky, but we are optimistic long-runners and have several exciting things on the docket for the upcoming Content Holiday Season:

(Busy): Conversations with Prell – to replace The Illuminating MSN Conversation, we plan to provide bleeding-edge news, URLs, and file transfers from America's "Face of Chat," Jason Prell. Do you like laughing, crying, and puking all at the same time? Then this is the content for you. It'll be shades.
Shades emoticon

The Job Blog 2 – It's been said that you can never have too much of a good thing. We firmly believe that this thinking can apply to bad things, too, so we're reviving the best bellyachery the internet has to offer with The Job Blog 2. Look for confidential and hilarious internal memos, up-to-the-minute coffee pot depth readings, and insights into the life of one whose college diploma is just another casualty of the paperless Information Age.

And for the impatient... – If you just can't wait for something new, I humbly present to you the winner of the first ever Award Signifying Supreme Ycontent (ASSY). The category is: Best Use of an Animated GIF to Tell an Inspiring, Sports-Related Story.

"All you touch turns to lead"
November 12, 10:45 am and 8:45 pm

Mouse feared dead, local webmaster's content plans in shambles.

CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY to a BETTER JOB!
So easy, even your BOSS could do it!

*sigh*

Wilco at the IMU, Iowa City, IA
samorama.com, home of Jeff Tweedy salad eating pictures.

Another "I'll Work When I Damn Well Please" Friday Update
November 8, 9:15 am

Paul Krugman's editorials are enjoyable because they are intelligent, well-thought out, non-reactionary liberal opinions. His style of interpretation is increasigly rare in an era of "We Report, We Decide" conservative pep rallies newscasts. At any rate, I found his opinion on Tuesday's elections pretty insightful. While I don't necessarily agree that the legislative branch will lurch as far to the right as he seems to think it will, I found his analysis of what Democrats must do to retain their relevancy dead-on: "If the Democratic Party takes a clear stand for the middle class and against the plutocracy, it may still lose. But if it doesn't stand for anything, it – and the country – will surely lose." Link: Into the Wilderness (yeah, yeah, registration required, get over it).

There were a handful of losers who apparently didn't "get" the sarcastic wiener awarded to me yesterday. One concerned visitor sent this three chili pepper e-mail:

"unic" is spelled "eunich" you dumbass. start reading more shakespeare and you would have the correct frame of reference to guesstimate the spelling of a word. dumbass. katie kucera is in my math discussion. she is sure to bring a note explaining why she is late every day that she is. and her homework is pretty perfect too. slut.

Wow! To clarify: this is a multi-step saracstic journey (and it's actually spelled "eunuch"). If perplexed, think about the gender of a laptop that is missing its dongle. Bonus humor occurs when one thinks in terms of operating systems as well.

Thanks Dr. Thomas
November 6, 6:35 pm

I found an ally in UI sophomore Luis Martinez for my new "I'd Prefer It If You Didn't Rock the Vote" campaign. Luis, if you can convince just one of your lazy friends to stay away from the polls, I consider my campaign a success. As for Ms. Kucera, well, she sickens me.

Did you vote?

The first image of the rumored mini Butterfinger has surfaced. Read the field notes on the Mousewatch 2002 page.

One has to go all the way back to the weekend of April 27-28 to find the last time this fair-haired webmaster earned a sarcastic wiener. The infamous streak that lasted over half a year finally came to an end today, and (to the relief of everyone else) it had nothing to do with "coin damage fountains."

55378008 = 31337!!!
November 3, 10 pm

Ass-Stats have been updated to reflect last month's unparalled prosperity. The only setback last month was a significant one; Asstastic's PageRank inexplicably dropped from three to two, despite a near-100% increase in hits. Google's snub aside, I would like to thank those of you that have reached Asstastic searching for "shirtless dennis franz" and "gridiron execution torture" – there's no way this site could keep afloat without crucial hits from the perverted classes.

For those of you that think that PEN15 club membership is the greatest joke this side of the monkeybars, a part-time Asstastic contributor and full-time sister dressed up as a Math Magician for Halloween. As the story was told to me, the costume consisted only of a calculator that read "BOOBLESS" (related coverage: hilarious BOOBLESS hijinx). And while we're on the subject, I can't really think of a better time to tell you about P-Knot's Out of this World Web Site. By popular request.

"And that waste of space is mine"
November 1, 12 am

Another month, another redesign. I know the leaf is unnervingly "indie" but I assure you that 1) I do not wear tight fitting sweaters that could be termed ironic and 2) I like scanning things.

Updates regarding the mouse (or mice, or rat) living in my desk at work are on the docket this month. This is a developing story, so asstastic asks that you sit tight while the facts are sorted out. It is rumored that a mini Butterfinger was taken as a material witness in the investigation.

You might have noticed that asstastic has caved to the pressure of the newest club drug of the content world -- polls! That's right, it's never been easier to tell the world what you think. The only recounts will be from you trying to remember how many times I beat you after you made that lame Florida election joke.

In order to avoid the whining and crying about not having a new Friday 5:01 Song (tho I'm not sure anyone is really clamoring for a new one after last week's), I'm posting a new song for an unprecedented second straight week. I've been a bit torn with the content, though: I want to continue with more modern songs, but the song works best when it's from "the era Zevon built." Compromise is tough; I leaned toward the latter this week.

The Marion van pool regained its beloved beige van this afternoon. The heat worked like it did when it was first driven off the lot and there was nary a complaint from van riders.

And finally, while it's not really our style to paper launch content modules, I would like to let everyone know that the Illuminating MSN Conversation is about to undergo a transformation. The name hasn't been finalized yet, but the space will showcase the best of the best conversations with America's most (Busy) instant messenger Jason Prell. Stay tuned!

 

 

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