The Grotto of Torture:

Ongoing Sagas

Sarcastic Mattbot's Super Sarcastic Website 5000
Wing Challenge Resource Center
The Illuminating MSN Conversation
The Friday 5:01 Song
Join shark_attacks!

Content Modules & Resource Centers

Rush Week 2002 Turns 1!
     – Press Release
     – Top 5 Sarcastic Wieners, Year 1
The Job Blog, R.I.P.
The Unofficial Kitchen Experts Website
mattbot 5000's "tape" list
Content Webring Resource Center

Other Stuff

Writing: Music | &c.
Archives: July '02, August '02, September '02

Electric mail

The All NEW Content Webring
Proud member of the ALL NEW Content Webring!

Happy Halloween
October 31, 9:00 am

BREAKING NEWS! Mouse discovered living in desk of sarcastic UI employee! Complete coverage – including damning visual evidence and a run-down of filth implications – to follow as the story unfolds.

Grotto of Torture Halloween Highlights so far today: 1) My boss calling the other secretary a "bag lady witch"; 2) the new University of Iowa logo (feel free to use in letterhead, pay stubs or any other official documents); 3) the memory of past Halloween content.

.Frank's Gameday Prophecy Plays Out in Chilling Fashion
October 28, 4:10 pm

Webmaster and sports lover Frank Broz has an almost preternatural gift for picking the outcomes of college football games. His sports acumen was on full display last Saturday during the Iowa-Michigan game. Days earlier, Broz predicted that "[the game would] come down to who can move the football most consistantly." On Saturday, Iowa consistently moved the ball and wound up on the teat end of a 34-9 score. Thanks to all of those who offered predictions for last week's Pigskin Pick 'Em; we should do it again real soon. Very special thanks to those special (ed.) Hawks whose stories of game day preparation inspiried us all. After the wife and kids are in bed tonight I'm going to put in the tape of the 2002 romp at the Big House and re-live the glory!!!!!1

"This is insane": UI Employees Bemoan Heating System in Ford Econoline Van

Asstastic picked up a link from Rog (former and perhaps current owner of Mickey Mantle's Liver) at some point recently -- thanks! Though I can't promise any pictures of my ass, there are several pictures that are just as scintillating.

Mattbot "meets expectations"
October 24, 6:30 pm

I had a mock performance review today at work; to celebrate my across the board "meets expectations" marks (and even one "exceeds expectations"!), I've decided to cut the crap and pull this site out of the blogward spiral it's been in for the last few weeks.

Content Item #1: There are two new sarcastic wieners, both of them involving some guy named Robbie. I'm assuming that it isn't the nom de plume of webmaster Robert L. Thompson, but he's been known to undergo radical changes in self-identification, so I can't rule it out.

Content Item #2: After much bitching and moaning (you know who you are), there's a new Friday 5:01 Song posted and ready for perusal. This one has a bit more, erm...edge to it than previous entries, though it meets and exceeds all 5:01 Quality Assurance Specifications. Wear protective glasses and route a mental map to the nearest eyewash station.

Content Item #3: Finally tonight, the city of Iowa City has been tossing and turning all week wondering just how the football squadron will perform this Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan. As any football follower knows, Michigan is the Big Ten football equivalent of the New York Yankees, and their only fans are either illiterate, retarded, "wanna rumble," or all three. One of the perks of being in The Content Webring™ is the super-secret content hotline that allow all of us to commincate (mostly) instantaneously with one another. I had a chance to poll all content partners (and one ex-content partner) on their opinion of this weekend's game. Ladies and jerks, I present an Asstastic Mini-Content Module, this weekend's Pigskin Pick 'Em!

Content Baron Andrew Walters Rated "31337" by Daily Iowan Readers
October 22, 6:57 pm

At the suggestion of my own mother, I'm working to incorporate more images into the site. My hope is that the images will comply with the Asstastic Mission Statement and demonstrate flair without taxing the bandwidth. And what better way to demonstrate flair than to feature the one and only Ass Masterson?

Walters Fights for the Stem!

The Content Webring's™ very own Ass Masterson (a.k.a. Andy Walters) had his picture splashed all over the pages of the prestigious Daily Iowan today. Fistfights broke out in downtown Iowa City between groups of Masterson and (heretofore unknown) Trent Reedy supporters; even the enduring memory of high-profile deaths of famous people who lacked stem cells (we all remember Michael J. Fox) ceased to quell the angry mobs in downtown Iowa City over the lunch hour. Want to tell everyone what you think about the debate? Well, friend, we set up a beauty contest between Ass and Trent that allows you to express your preferences. If you're craving still more action, check out Masterson v. Reedy, behind the bikeracks.

Look for an updated Friday 5:01 Song later this week!

"This is the face that launched a thousand shits"
October 17, 10:17 pm

I think tomorrow I'm going to walk into work and announce excitedly, "It's Friday!" I'll do it in a low, whispered (nearly hissing!) sort of voice so as to appear so excited by the prospect of two days without work that I have to lower my voice to keep from screaming. Yeah.

If this picture is funny, you've been working at the ITS No Help Desk too long:

Dan Spracklin and the Case of the Missing Gateway Astro

Taco or Twofer Tuesday: You Decide
October 15, 8:25 am

Late afternoon update – I just wanted to let all you content fans know that MattScott5000 has been quietly returned to the pristine ranks of the un-haX0r3d. Scott and I even put up new content chronicling our new Committment to Security Initiative (CSI). Check the diaries section for this and other breaking MS5K news.

Ahh, there's nothing like an email memo (e-memo) first thing Monday morning in return to ravenhearst ALL CAPS reminding you that you forgot to vitamin b12 dogs count the change in the "Coffee Fund," i.e. that old can next to the coffeemaker. Not only did this helpful email remind me that I had forgotten to account for the 36 cents collected over the last two months for the purchase of really bad coffee, it also confirmed that it's never too soon to quit a job you don't really like. I came very close yesterday, but then I thought of all the van poolers and how much they'd miss the smell of my morning coffee and my comical head-jerk-dozing in the afternoons and decided to grit it out for a little while longer.

In sports news, myself and another extraordinary webmaster stuck it to Michigan State quarterback Jeff Smoker (and, to a lesser extent, star receiver Charles Rogers) on Saturday. While we couldn't see his tears from where we were sitting, I have no doubt that our boos, hisses, and razzes severely affected his performance. Iowa won, 44-16 and have all but assured themselves a spot in the national title game against Miami in January.

Finally today, Ass Masterson said something funny.

"After all, this is the website that tried to kill my dad."
October 10, 9:55 pm

Yesterday's paper launch of the Friday 5:01 song has been followed up by today's actual launch. If you don't like it, let me know.

Hot oil burns
October 9, 9:05 pm

The man behind the curtain at .Frank was kind enough to provide the humor on the most recent illuminating MSN conversation. And it's about time for a new Friday 5:01 song, no? Response to last week's submission was lukewarm, but I attribute that to the fact that everyone else is dumb.

In content news, AltaVista - The Search Company has voted me the second most sarcastic person in the world. I am "happy" to "receive" the "honor." Psssh. Those jerkholes at better watch their backs. And finally tonight, from the kitchen: Mattbot finds that hot oil indeed burns like hell when applied liberally to the left arm. It is unclear whether the right arm can suffer such excruciating pain, but the Asstastic Labs are hypothesizing that the answer is "yes."

Stuff the ballot box
October 8, 1:00 pm

Cast your vote for the content you'd like to see next on asstastic! Like all great republics, I won't necessarily listen to what you have to say, but rest assured I'll produce content that is in your best interests. Also, there were a spate of new wieners over the weekend that I forgot to post last night.

Webmaster AWOL Last Weekend; Internet Proletariat Flood Inbox of Content Baron
October 7, 8:50 pm

After receiving my Ph.D. in mixology from Joe's Place Community College (and unsuccessfully pursuing a minor in After Hoursitry), I proceeded to the local football stadium early Saturday morning with splitting headache and high spirits intact. Iowa won the game in thrilling fashion, but this observer thought the ambiance of the student section just as entertaining as the game on the field.

Seen and heard around the stadium:
"Yeah, he's retarded." –Some guy sitting near us during halftime, confirming our suspicions that the slack-jawed yokel standing a few rows down holding his t-shirt up for no one to see was, in fact, mentally disabled.
"Hinkel, you're fucking TERRIBLE!!!" –Some guy yelling from behind us after a fumble by the direct object. The humor was the addition of about 5 h's in the word "terrible," making the pronunciation an exaggerated "tehhhhhrruble."
Various boos and hisses –The first time I've ever heard a stadium boo the officials both as they left the field at halftime and when they returned after halftime. We were really upset about those calls.
"GIVE 'EM HELL KIRK!" –This webmaster, cheering the Wrath of Kirk unloaded on one of the aforementioned officials.

Those worried that asstastic's weekend on the gridiron stole valuable content-creatin' time need to find something better to worry about and take solace in the knowledge that the Chief Content Officers held high-level meetings recently to discuss the (paper) launch of one of two possible content modules. The first is a Hall of Fame/Hall of Shame of secretarial supplies, a featurette that would span the clerical canyon between the famous COPY stamp and the infamous envelope-sealing sponge. The second is tenatively titled "Who the Hell is Antonio Alfonseca?" It seems many an internet friend has asked this same question and arrived at this site, so it may be time to expose the man behind the myth. Stay tuned!

October 3, 5:25 pm

Like Springsteen, we're fuel-injected and stepping out over the line with a goddamned CONTENT EXPLOSION that'll last you well into 2003. This is textbook real ultimate power!!!'s long-awaited coverage of Wing Challenge II has finally come to fruition. Grab your dress and re-live the gut-wrenching agony and ecstasy at the all new Wing Challenge Resource Center.

Don't think I haven't forgotten you statistics majors, either. It's a new month, so there's an all new set of Ass-Stats ready for perusal. To cut down on the number of 1-hit terms, I combined similar terms so that searches for "antonio alfonseca hand pictures" and "pictures of antonio alfonseca hand" fall in the same category.

News from in and around The Content Webring™: it's official! The Content Webring's™ newest member is none other than Darren Chapman's Darren is no stranger to content, as he singlehandedly engineerd a "tumorfish," masterminded the Big Book of Stuff (which, as a direct result of backwards primogeniture laws, has fallen into disrepair in the hands of tscott) and could often be seen sporting a Help Desks of Iowa shirt during those dark pre-content years.

Happy October
October 1, 8:21 pm

I think I'll start this off like I do every month: a quick, but boring update that ends with the promise of much, much more to come.

If for some reason you'd like to revisit some awful writing and true stories about my van pool (with at least 32 references to "content"), click on the link named September '02 'long the side of the page. I was directed to an article today that sketched a pretty interesting picture of the war in Afghanistan on a person-to-person level: "I Yelled at Them to Stop". The article made it clear that, at best, the War on "Terruh" on the ground is not one fought by easily-defined camps of good and evil, and, at worst, that the execution of the current proxy war could have some fairly disasterous results for the US further down the road in terms of how successfully the US can thwart future terrorists.

CONTENT EXPLOSION 2003! is just around the corner folks, please stay tuned for some fantastic new additions! Playing over the last few weeks: Mercury Rev / All is Dream, Magnetic Fields / Holiday.