The Grotto of Torture: asstastic.org

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The Friday 5:01 Song
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asstastic.org Turns 1!
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The I'll-Work-When-I-Want-To Update
September 27, 8:27 am

Well, premiere week has pretty much come and gone (unless you're looking forward to TGIF programming, and in that case you should be shot), with not many surprises but a few good laffs. TV Guide-esque cheers to most of The West Wing and Ed, jeers to Friends and one big collective "What the hell is this show?" to ER.

Twice this morning – once on the TV-9 morning news and once on Paul Harvey News and Comment – I heard reports that some fifth grade class's teacher has given them the seemingly impossible task of finding a word in the English language with no vowels. Both reports presented the story as a sort of unsolvable puzzle on the level of Zeno's Dichotomy or something. I shook my head and asked myself "Why?" as Joe Winters and Scott Sanborn argued over words like "shh" and "psst."

.Frank earns a .Wiener || Random clippings and such || You know what day it is

Workin' for the weekend...again
September 24, 9:21 pm

I am honored to present to you the third edition of the Friday 5:01 song. All of the songs featured in this content module are ones I wholeheartedly endorse and would drunkenly defend at Joe's Place (and, in retrospect, the Eagles still suck), but this one is definitely near and dear to me. Thanks to Maggie for the suggestion. It is rare that such valuable content comes from outside The Content Webring, but when it does, I light upon it like a Dust Bowl locust on Paw's crops.

In football news: saw the tail end of the Tampa Bay/St. Louis game last night. I tried to convince (the aforementioned) Maggie that Al Michaels = good, John Madden = oaf, but she fell asleep before getting much of a chance to evaluate my advice. Kurt Warner looked like one of his former sacks of groceries.

We interrupt this public affairs program in order to bring you a football game
September 22, 11:50 am

I'm feeling like Homer during that glorious fourth season this Sunday morning. There's a cool fall breeze coming in through the windows, meaningless third-week pro football games will be on the tube soon, which I'll mute in favor of whatever music I want to listen to (right now, Yo La Tengo's Autumn Sweater EP/remixes). All of this while doing absolutely no homework. The longer I'm away from schoool, the less I want to go back.

Wieners were spotted over the weekend, congratulations to all those recognized. An editorial note: Year 2's biggest surprise thus far has been the sarcastic maturation of Ass Masterson/A. Walters. Someone worked hard in the off-season and it's showing on game day.

Van Diesel
September 19, 11:30 pm

Shockwaves rippled through the best mystery case files ravenhearst tips Marion #1 van today around 5:15 pm at the corner of Blairs Ferry Road and C Ave. when Mick, the guy that always sits up front in the comfy passenger's seat, announced there had been a nine cent hike in the price of gasoline since this morning. There were tears and consoling hugs, but, through it all, one vanpooler self-assuredly noted that his wife told him before he left for work that she would get gas that morning. Savings were estimated at between 80 and 90 cents.

In best dog vitamin unrelated van news, I was tormented by one of God's leggier creatures for the second day in a row. Yesterday it was a pesky moth that flew around my head and butted against the window for no apparent reason. Today it was a smallish yellow spider that was crawling on the ceiling near my head. Every time the van jarred (which was often), the spider lost its grip (grips?) and tumbled down from the celing by a thread, making me recoil. I stopped caring about the spider when I fell asleep watching the sun rise over the clouds on the horizon.

What's up on MSN? || Brenda is accosted. || The Friday 5:01 song for those unable to download it last Friday.

Pr0n portal .Frank upgrades, stiffens
September 18, 5:50 pm

.Frank has been announced! I highly recommend checking out the part where he pisses his pants and the Tenacious D/'74 Honda motorcycle review. He's got content. Stay tuned to this and other content affiliates, there should be a significant membership announcement in the near future. The links page has been updated to reflect fbroz's change in scenery, and I added links to a few blogs I visit now and again.

In the forums today: Accusations fly, the content space race escalates to higher...heights.

Shootin' the Hits
September 17, 7:25 pm

As many of you know, I'm a closet obsessive-compulsor. This manifests itself in several ways when I'm using His internet: marthon sessions of tabbing endless numbers of ‹td› and ‹tr› tags so they cascade neatly, insistence on the use of "more convenient" CSS, and the daily check of the logs to see what search strings people used to get to this site (a la the gta3-ridden list currently on Ocu-Stats). Well, if you're like me, you want MORE out of that last category. Which is why I wasted an hour of my life creating a page devoted to neat stats about asstastic.org for the previous month. I call it: Ass-Stats. Check it out, gnerd, there's tons of worthless info from August, which will be updated with newer, juicier terms like "torture pics" (no, really) at the end of this month.

Next week: we tackle my closet autism.

Working Through the Pain
September 16, 7:40 pm

Despite the fervent bar-bench surfing of Andy Walters, which nearly earned him an unprecedented third sarcastic wiener on Friday night, Iowa fumbled away its chance to reclaim its gridiron dignity. For yet another year, state football bragging rights are owned by a coach who can sweat through a pair of pants.

‹FITE!›Iowa State vs. Iowa‹⁄FITE!›
September 13, 9:02 am

I was going to write an exhastive, 28 chapter ARS Technica-esque preview of the Iowa/Iowa State game, but I got distracted by low, low prices on famous brand name computer electronics. But since so many of you have been writing in this week asking for my prediction on the game, I'll give my (quick) take:

1. For the first time in a long time, these teams are evenly matched at nearly every position. The ghosts of Hayden Fry and Jim Walden are probably rolling around in his grave with this sort of UI/ISU parity. I give ISU a slight edge at quarterback and probably on pass defense (haven't seen their defense yet), and Iowa the edge in the running and kicking games.
2. I'm not sure that playing in Kinnick is going to give Iowa much of an advantage. These teams will be so pumped up (likely a result of listening to this week's Friday/Saturday 5:01 song) that it really won't matter much who 70,000 people are screaming at or for. I do foresee the student section throwing more than its usual allotment of detritus. I predict the fans will get one warning in the first quarter and a flag in the third quarter, since they'll be so pissed about not getting let out of the stadium at halftime (see: concession and restroom facilities "are well below code").
3. There are still tickets available to watch the game on the TV at my dad's house. Please note, though, that you may have to stand for the game, as you will be seated behind a (former) student. Tickets are $40.
4. Regrettably, my gut is telling me that ISU may still be the better team. Iowa's kicking game can win this game though, and if rain becomes a factor, I'd look for Iowa's offensive line to take over. PREDICTION: Even though Iowa is favored by the makers of odds, I'll take Iowa with the UPSET, 23-21, when Senaca Wallace, disoriented after bouncing off a brutal Bob Sanders hit, runs 95 yards the wrong way and scores the winning safety for Iowa in the final seconds.

Continuing Coverage of Wing Challenge II
September 11, 9:35 pm

Sarcastic wieners earned during Wing Challenge II: Buffalo Brawl have been copied, scanned, and posted. Special recognitions go out to Warren for making fun of Mark's brief period of downtime due to sauce in the eye and also for Andy Walters's devastating impression of an ~fbroz cell phone conversation. No sarcastic wieners will be given to anyone who points out the balance of my checking account that day.

Mediacom? Mediachums!
September 10, 11:20 pm

Well it is good to be back. First, kudos to Mediacom for bailing out my high-speed internet addicted ass. They provided exceptional customer service (they even called me back!) and the friendly installation guy worked way past 5 pm last night to get us hooked up. He ended up having to use a six (6) foot bit to drill through the brick exterior of our building. It was...the most awesome thing I've ever seen in my life.

Accolades aside, there's content afoot. First off, an update to the Friday 5:01 Song that I know at least two of you have downloaded (don't think I don't check the Ass-Stats frequently!) is long overdue. This one is pretty special: not only is it one of my all-time favorite songs, it doubles as a Saturday 5:01 song. For, as you all know, Iowa and Iowa State kick off at 5 Saturday and no doubt the stallions in black and gold will need a little pumping up before they kick the jocks off the Animal Husbandry majors from mid-state. This song should help pump up Iowa and bring down Iowa State.

I am working on getting something together to commemorate Wing Challenge II: Buffalo Brawl, but quality takes time -- we certainly wouldn't want another awful, confusing, joke about workers in hog-rendering plants to slip past our censors. Stay tuned, I am diligent.

And finally, a new beta content module (Content Webring members, please use your SUPER SECRET decoder rings to give feedback if you have any) called The Illuminating MSN Conversation has been launched. These are conversations culled from real-life. They are raw (pun intended), gritty, and completely uncensored. View them at your own risk, but please, view them.

The Hurry-Up-Before-Everyone-Gets-Back-From-Lunch Update
September 4, 12:35 pm

Lots of new stuff coming up on the site -- Wing Challenge II: Buffalo Brawl pix, commentary, and official scorecard (well, an official COPY at least), a plethora of quality sarcastic wieners to post, an exhaustive overview of my new retirement plan, and possibly a slight redesign (the "Grotto of Torture" is only funny to me, right?).

Unfortunately, I won't have eine modem kable until early next week, so you'll just have to stay tuned. August's fun is now on permanent display.

To tide you over, here's the first ever edition of Ass-Stats, for the tail end of July and the entire month of August. Good news is that September's stats are already shaping up to be a doozy: we've already had one person reach the site searching for theresa.melvin.